This should be interesting....

It was about two months ago, but I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. It was nothing short of miraculous really. I am only being slightly dramatic. You know how some crave chocolate? I started craving efficiency in our home like never before. Instead of craving Publix cake (it's a southeastern thang, and it's DELICIOUS!), I began craving more meaningful moments with my son and romantic escapes from reality with my husband. Our idea of romance is probably a heck of a lot more casual than yours, but you catch my drift. 

This was momentous. Not because I don't treasure our home or adore my little family. I do. Oh, do I. It's just that as I have said before and continue to say, the whole stay at home mom thing isn't exactly a natural for for my personality. Don't get me wrong. It's 100% the right fit for us, and 100% the right decision for us right now. Notice the keys words here: "for us". I don't at all believe that I have the right to tell you what's right for you, and I don't believe the Bible is as conclusive about that as some would believe. But I digress, all I mean is that it's a very personal decision and I just don't think it's cool to judge a mom and family one way or another. You know what I mean?

Okay, moving on. Back to that magical feeling. It was magical and I was probably also a bit delirious. 

My son was teething, and in our home this means that no one gets to sleep. Oh, and don't you cry for him Argentina, he's not crying, fussy, or miserable. For that I am grateful, but it's still rough on us. When he is teething he turns into a bit of a rockstar, maybe? No sleep. All play. It's at times excruciatingly exhausting. So yea, I was sleep deprived, but happy, oh-so happy at home. Somehow, by some miracle, I remained happy as I stayed up cleaning for a home showing (our home is on the market) until about 1:30am one morning. I had a John Piper sermon playing on Chromecast. My son was asleep in his crib, and my husband was asleep in our bedroom. It was awesome. No kidding. At 1:30am, I took one last look at my clean house and then crawled into bed and fell asleep. 3 hours later, my son woke up. Do the math ya'll. It was 3:30am!!! He decided that he wasn't going to go back to sleep so after trying for longer than what would seem reasonable, we gave in. I partied along with our little rockstar, and when it was time for our showing, we took a field trip to Chik-Fila for a little mother and son date. I called my husband after leaving Chikfila, for reasons I don't remember. What we both remember is that I got strangely nauseous. It was all I could really talk about, and to this day my husband thinks that's why I called him to tell him. But nope, I don't do that. I didn't call for that reason. The next day, we found out we were newly pregnant and expecting baby #2. 

Okay, so this whole pregnancy thing makes it all make sense right?! It kinda does, except for one thing. I had other things going on, God things, that deep inside I knew that God had said, "This is only a taste. It's not time yet.". But, but, I am highly emotional at times. So I thought, "Nooo, All signs are pointing to nooooo. It's time God!!" Silly rabbit. Me, being the rabbit of course. So I muscled through opportunities that were God given, but I went through them (for the most part) without the vulnerability of what was happening. Being vulnerable, which really is just another facet of being humble, could have been a point of surrender to God. It could have been me saying, "Here am I send me!". Oh but that word "here" is usually tossed out and made of little importance, but I don't think that's what God wants. He wants to take this thing deep and personal. Remember Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden after they sinned? God asked them where they were. He knew, but God wants us to know, acknowledge, and surrender. I wish I would have done that sooner, but honestly, there's no textbook for speaking in front of women when you have morning sickness, inability to focus (or even think straight..wait. Isn't that the definition of focus. Ai yi yi. lol!), and you are only about 4 weeks pregnant. That's not exactly prime time to go public. So, no, there's no textbook, but there's no condemnation either. Thankfully, we have grace, overwhelming buckets of grace reminding us that it was never about us anyway. We are still vessels that God pours through, as cracked as we are. And then there's mercy, every morning brings a new stock. This is the life ya'll!! 

Yesterday marked the ending of a study that I co-led with an amazing woman at our church. It was such an honor to observe her and learn from her in her teaching but also from her life. I was asked about what I might be doing next in women's ministry. I bit my tongue. I really wanted to say something along the lines of, "You think they might still let me do more?!" That was my first thought, not at all because anyone has been less than gracious but because I have been so overwhelmed with life that it's hard for me to feel good about my contributions. So I bit my tongue, and simply said, "I don't know." In the past two months we lost my grandfather, my father (who is battling cancer) was hospitalized, our home has remained unsold as our new home has begun construction, teething invaded our sleep, we were without a family car for awhile, and of course a surprise (though not completely unplanned) pregnancy. I mean. I think I just need to breathe. I just need to pour myself into personal things for a bit longer. If I am being honest, vulnerable, and humble, I have kinda lost a lot of that magical feeling due to the overwhelming struggle to just survive under the gazillion circumstances. 

So my current goals.....

1. Local date night needs to be a regular thing.  We tend to wait until we are where family lives to go on dates, so our dates have been fewer and far between, and therefore never in our city. I LOVE our local family date nights, but we need Mr. and Mrs. time too here where we live. Sitter has been booked for tomorrow, and I am thinking about talking to her about being on retainer so we have our date nights scheduled. 

2. Find a local Mommy Community. I think we all struggle with finding a community that we click with, us non-crafty, socially awkward mommies tend to struggle more. I have been working hard on this one and will continue to. 

3. Home making: A place of Belonging. That's kind of been the mantra for my home this year. That's what I want our home to be like for us. No matter what goes on outside these walls. Here we belong. Here we are free to be ourselves and be loved simply for that reason. This takes on a lot of meanings for us, but I also want to focus on that mantra in a more literal sense. Every thing has a place and reason for belonging, if not, it's got to go. I got a real good start to purging last year, but I want to continue to work on that while I also begin working on organization, better habits, and routines. 

4. Get my baby out of the house more. I have been awful with this lately as I fight fatigue and other pregnancy symptoms. I want to get back to getting out of the house more. It's tough because we battle with allergies. Our daily walks were no-brainers that my son really enjoyed. It's hard to enjoy when it results in allergy issues for both of us though. I need to get back to thinking and researching local things we can do for free such as play groups, and actually do them. I am aiming for 2x a week for now. It's not much, but 2x a week every week will be awesome. P.s. I am only talking about Monday-Friday. We get out every weekend. 

5. Nurture relationships. I have been searching for that deep, local, Momma BFF connection and mourning the lack of her for so long. I want to better focus that energy on nurturing my relationships with my sisters and nieces, for example. I want to do better at that all the while maintaining healthy boundaries.

6. Recapture our whimsy. I get it. Our whimsy can't look like it did before. I concede to that, but a couple of weekends ago we got in the car and just drove for awhile. We found some more adventure on the way. We thrive on that. It felt amazing and refreshing. I want to further explore what whimsy can look like in this new season of our lives.

7. Blog about it.  I know. I know. Social media is the devil. Yada. Yada. Yada. It's not all bad. It's how and when we use it, like most things in life. So I want to get back to blogging regularly and I plan on focusing on these new goals and others that might come about in this process. 

And here's the thing. I never asked for any of the opportunities that came my way and despite my shortcomings, I know God was glorified in them all. It's what He does. So I don't want to trick myself into thinking that I know what this season will look like for me. It should be fun though. Nothing has changed since I last confessed that I don't have it all together. This is only His grace at work friends. It's going to be an adventure, and I am excited to take ya'll with me through blog posts. 

Who knows? I might even turn into a Mommy blogger. LOL!   

But for now I leave you with this, it was a quote from the last Bible Study yesterday. 

"God does not have to depend on human exhaustion to get His work done. God is not so desperate for resources to accomplish His purposes that we have to abandon the raising of our children in order to accommodate Him. {my added note, that's not just for mom's either.} God is not so despairing of where to turn next that He has to go without sleep five nights in a row. Chronic overloading is not a spiritual prerequisite for authentic Christianity. Quite the contrary, overloading is often what we do when we forget who God is." - Richard Swenson 

Coincidence? I think not. 

The Blessings of Community & Solitude

I have tried long and hard not to say it because it's not enough just to say it.

This needs to be said well. 

So yea, that pretty much disqualifies me for this job. I am deeply relying for God's grace and peace with this one, more than usual.

Community. We  are seeing a revival of community in the church. (You should know when I say church I am referring to the body of Christ as a whole, not any one particular church or denomination.) This is such a good thing, such a good thing. Despite my tendencies to be withdrawn to better suit my pride, it's true. Let's face it, being always vulnerable, and always socially awkward despite your bestest efforts is taxing on a sensitive soul like me. Being alone sometimes feels safe, but we aren't meant to live life alone. I totally get that, and I am totally on board and working on it full heartedly and full force.

Community has had a profound impact on my life and the life of my family. Our son was born on a cuh-razy week for our family. My father started chemo that same week, and my mother-in-law was in the hospital. Our family so badly wanted to be here for us physically, but they couldn't be. We felt their love though. We are so thankful. In their absence, we were absolutely overwhelmed with the love and support that we had in our local community. We weren't blood relatives or best friends per say, but we are brothers and sisters in the Lord. We received meals for an extended period of time as we battled through postpartum complications, and even yesterday someone offered to let me borrow their maternity clothes as we are expecting baby #2. Even in the thick of life, we are there for one another. We pray together and for one another. We serve each other in love. It's really and truly a beautiful thing, that has pushed me hard in some necessary ways.

So, I get it. I am not here to point fingers at community. This revival of sorts is a good one, a Godly one. You can't have true community without connection, and that is something oh-so powerful in it's own right. This. Is. All. So. Good.

So what's to be careful about?

Let's chat about that for a second. Maybe get your cup of coffee, and please, oh-please just hear me out.

Today's idols are usually good things for us Christians. 

We don't usually idolize the bad things or the clearly labeled as sinful things. We tend to struggle with putting good things in the place of God.

Do you believe that God can have a purpose for solitude? That's the first question to tackle. If you think that solitude is inherently bad, you might have placed community in a higher place than it should be.

I honest to goodness believe that sometimes God wants us to be alone, for a season, and for His GOOD purpose and pleasure.

I never pictured myself not having family at the hospital after delivering my first child. Honestly, years ago living in Tampa I would send out a text message to a big group of friends when I wanted to go out without any doubts that it would result in an epic night out, and sometimes I still miss that. But God had something better planned for me, for us.

Through these moments, God is helping my husband and I to work together in our strengths. What I mean by that, is that instead of getting frustrated with each other because we aren't seeing things like the other, we have learned to appreciate the differences in each other and in ourselves. Our differences don't cause disagreements as much as they used to when we became a family. Our differences enrich our lives and experiences. I know our son has benefited because of this too, in more ways than one.

Personally, embracing the moments of solitude in my life has been invaluable. I read so much more, helpful things, life giving things. It's given me time to hear from God about some things deep in my heart, that honestly I would not have dealt with in the same way had I been continuously surrounded with people and continually seeking their words, advice, and opinions.

So what's the take away? Don't miss out on community, ya'll. The awkwardness is worth it. Push yourself as far as you can go, and acknowledge that it might be further or lessor than someone else might be able to go. These should never be used as weapons to judge others around us. Appreciate. Love.

Also, don't despise solitude. If you continually find yourself there, maybe it's time to stop kicking and screaming. Kiss the waves, and run to Jesus. It's only for a season, but perhaps what God wants to do in this season can change your entire life.

I am right where I need to be, and so are you.

Do you ever struggle with feeling behind?

It's kind of the story of my life, really. First date. Riding a bike (I still don't know how to do that). Swimming (Yup, can't do that yet either). 

When it comes to wife-ing and mothering I am usually the one in the group without the ideallic routine or the role modelesque schedule. As some mothers thrive in environments of frozen meals, crock pot delights, and perfect bento box-like toddler lunches. I don't. 

So somewhere along the line, I decided that it could be me. Ahh yes. "Why not me?" my former mantra.  I should explain. 

In my former life, I once worked in collections for a major automobile finance company. My first week on the phones,  I cried when I had to ask for money. Months later, the first car that I assigned for repossession belonged to a man with health problems who hadn't paid his first car payment. Mind you, I had no way of knowing of his health issues. He also had about 6 weeks to make a payment on his car before his file even entered our system. I still felt like the devil when we finally got him on the phone post-repo. I like to think that most people would feel that way in that situation. He called me mid-asthma-like attack. His meds were in the car, of course. The good news is that he was okay. 

It was around this time that I really struggled with said job. I saw people thriving and decided "Why not me?" Slowly, but surely the tears were much less. I muscled through, and did a pretty okay job. For instance, I once had a customer tell me quite stunned, "Oh you're good. I don't even know how to argue with you". 

And yes, he paid. 

I went from being terrified to put cars out for repo to sending the repo men to places I dare not tell you. I'm pretty sure you would judge me. I still judge me. Sometimes. 

All of this because "Why not me?"

And it worked. It worked pretty well. I wasn't at the top of the list among colleagues, don't get me wrong. However, I was generally respected among peers and regularly acknowledged by management. 

So yes in wife-ing and mothering I find myself constantly at that crossroad. "Why not me?" is constantly there. 

But I am finding out that it's terrible motivation. It was then too, I just didn't know it. I have nothing to prove ya'll. No club to join. And if I am honest, I feel like your way is better than mine. 

I wish I could thrive with the lists, the spreadsheets, the plans, and the having it all together. 

But it's not me. I can swallow my tears. I can try to muscle through it like I did in collections, and make some outward strides. You might even accept me. You may even be proud of me. But I still wouldn't be the woman that God has called me to be. I would be full of self, and empty of Him. 

I was made the wife of Leroy Richards and the mother of Erick Richards and this little Peanut in my womb as a gift of God's grace and through the working of His power.  (Ephesians 3:7 says, " I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power.")

We don't have it all together in our house. We boast in our weaknesses, and I have learned that for me, the best and most important thing in my schedule is to spend time with Jesus. He directs my day. He gives us plans and creative solutions. He makes us efficient, and who knows, maybe some day there will be spreadsheets and such. He manages the when, how, and who to ask for help from. I also know for sure, in the midst of all of this, I will struggle, I will fail.

The truth is that we all fail at some point before a Holy God. It just so happens that this is one of the glorious thorns in my side that keeps me looking at the cross and relishing in the hope and joy of the Gospel. 

So instead of trying to get myself together. Instead of trying to catch up. I am going to commit to slow down first with Him, more and more.

If our God is indeed sovereign, then I am right where I need to be, and so are you. 

1 Corinthians 15:10 (ESV) 

10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.