I am right where I need to be, and so are you.

Do you ever struggle with feeling behind?

It's kind of the story of my life, really. First date. Riding a bike (I still don't know how to do that). Swimming (Yup, can't do that yet either). 

When it comes to wife-ing and mothering I am usually the one in the group without the ideallic routine or the role modelesque schedule. As some mothers thrive in environments of frozen meals, crock pot delights, and perfect bento box-like toddler lunches. I don't. 

So somewhere along the line, I decided that it could be me. Ahh yes. "Why not me?" my former mantra.  I should explain. 

In my former life, I once worked in collections for a major automobile finance company. My first week on the phones,  I cried when I had to ask for money. Months later, the first car that I assigned for repossession belonged to a man with health problems who hadn't paid his first car payment. Mind you, I had no way of knowing of his health issues. He also had about 6 weeks to make a payment on his car before his file even entered our system. I still felt like the devil when we finally got him on the phone post-repo. I like to think that most people would feel that way in that situation. He called me mid-asthma-like attack. His meds were in the car, of course. The good news is that he was okay. 

It was around this time that I really struggled with said job. I saw people thriving and decided "Why not me?" Slowly, but surely the tears were much less. I muscled through, and did a pretty okay job. For instance, I once had a customer tell me quite stunned, "Oh you're good. I don't even know how to argue with you". 

And yes, he paid. 

I went from being terrified to put cars out for repo to sending the repo men to places I dare not tell you. I'm pretty sure you would judge me. I still judge me. Sometimes. 

All of this because "Why not me?"

And it worked. It worked pretty well. I wasn't at the top of the list among colleagues, don't get me wrong. However, I was generally respected among peers and regularly acknowledged by management. 

So yes in wife-ing and mothering I find myself constantly at that crossroad. "Why not me?" is constantly there. 

But I am finding out that it's terrible motivation. It was then too, I just didn't know it. I have nothing to prove ya'll. No club to join. And if I am honest, I feel like your way is better than mine. 

I wish I could thrive with the lists, the spreadsheets, the plans, and the having it all together. 

But it's not me. I can swallow my tears. I can try to muscle through it like I did in collections, and make some outward strides. You might even accept me. You may even be proud of me. But I still wouldn't be the woman that God has called me to be. I would be full of self, and empty of Him. 

I was made the wife of Leroy Richards and the mother of Erick Richards and this little Peanut in my womb as a gift of God's grace and through the working of His power.  (Ephesians 3:7 says, " I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power.")

We don't have it all together in our house. We boast in our weaknesses, and I have learned that for me, the best and most important thing in my schedule is to spend time with Jesus. He directs my day. He gives us plans and creative solutions. He makes us efficient, and who knows, maybe some day there will be spreadsheets and such. He manages the when, how, and who to ask for help from. I also know for sure, in the midst of all of this, I will struggle, I will fail.

The truth is that we all fail at some point before a Holy God. It just so happens that this is one of the glorious thorns in my side that keeps me looking at the cross and relishing in the hope and joy of the Gospel. 

So instead of trying to get myself together. Instead of trying to catch up. I am going to commit to slow down first with Him, more and more.

If our God is indeed sovereign, then I am right where I need to be, and so are you. 

1 Corinthians 15:10 (ESV) 

10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.