I likey.

There's something about being a (semi) new mom and thirty something years old that has sent this mama into a bit of an identity crisis.

I am a quirky chick, and I have always been despite my bestest efforts. Let me explain. I am a stay at home mom, so quickly I studied that role. What does a stay at home mom wear? do? How does she talk about motherhood? How does she deal with rainy days and cooking dinner? And then I set out to imitate it.

Don't get me wrong. It's always good to find tips that are relevant to something new, but I was searching for more than tips. I was searching for identity and a means to fit in.

Yup, at thirty-something.

Then about a week ago, I went to a Christian Spoken Word event, and I was all like, "Yeaaaaaaa, THIS is me." Because it was. I was the woman plotting and planning Christian Spoken Word and Hip Hop events, along with drama, missions, and other stuff. It's the stuff that kept me up all night long, but oh-so happy and satisfied. I don't know about ya'll, but there's this assurance and joy that I feel when I know that I am being used of God in carrying out a certain plan or project that just makes me feel so alive.

So, I came home invigorated and reminded of some of the passions and giftings that God has equipped me with that I have been ignoring for the sake of trying to fit into a mold that I was never meant to fit into.

Then I settled into bitterness and frustration. If THAT was me, then my life here certainly wasn't. Instead of staying up until 3am planning things and rehearsing lines, I have other God projects to do like taking care of my teething son (Molars. Need I say more?!)

Here's the thing.

There's still so much assurance and joy in being used of God, even if it is in a different way than before, because our God is indeed the same yesterday, today, and forever. But the yuckyness and frustration comes when I start comparing God's plan for me to God's plan for someone else or even to my plan for myself. His way is higher. His plan IS better, but it's always going to demand patience and faith. Think about Abraham and Sarah in the Bible. He has also given us promises to assure our anxious hearts. The desires He has placed in us, He will fulfill.

He will. There's no doubt about it.

So, my job is to stay the course and be faithful in my relationship with Jesus Christ along with what He has called me to do, right now.

Have ya'll seen Runaway Bride?

Do you know that scene of the movie where Julia Roberts' character realizes that she doesn't even know what type of eggs she likes because it changes depending on what type of eggs her fiance at the time likes? When she finally decides to stay single for awhile, she invests time figuring out what type of eggs she likes. She starts reigning in her passion and honing her skills accordingly.

That's me.

That's the season where God has me.

Last weekend, I also did a little shopping. Needing some shoes I entered into the shoe store and tried on a whole bunch of shoes. Some I tried on because "I used to love to where those type of shoes" and some because "Those are great shoes for a stay at home mom". However, I left with nothing, and I am proud of that. There was not one pair of shoes that I could say that I actually liked. Then we went to another store, and a hot little number caught my eye. It wasn't really anything that I would have gravitated to in the past, and it was different from what I wear now. But I liked it.

I tried it on and the fit was fabulous. I know that it's not an outfit that makes me beautiful, but I felt beautiful in it. It accentuated all of my assets. It didn't cover my problem areas in shame, but somehow it flattered those areas too. And the color. The color was bright, but surprisingly spectacular. I definitely left the store with it. Yes, it was different, but that's not why I chose it.

It fit me in more ways than one.

"I likey," I thought to myself.

There's hope for me yet.